Running away from pain
by SaThMe
Summary: Different turn on what could have happened after Robin and Barney broke up.
1. Chapter 1

Running away from pain

She was packing. Slowly. She was packing her life away. Over the last couple of days everything she owned had slowly made its way in to boxes. She was leaving. Tomorrow. And she hadn't told anybody. She wasn't going to either. She knew they deserved more, but she couldn't risk it. She had written them a letter telling them that she would always love and miss them, and that she was sorry for leaving like this. Ted wasn't home, he had left to go… well somewhere. She was sure he had told her. The only things she knew for sure was that he wasn't coming back home before after she had left. The movers were coming tomorrow, they were taking all her boxes back home, back to Canada. She on the other hand was just leaving; she wasn't sure where she was going yet. She had packed a separate bag. Clothes and her most important things were there, ready to go wherever she was going. Among those things was a picture of their group, her best friends, her family. Leaving them would really hurt, but right now staying hurt more. She looked around the mostly empty room with a sad smile, this was it. One more night and then everything would change. She used to be so independent, her alone and she was okay with it. Leaving like this would never have been a problem before. Then again if everything was like before she would never have fallen this deep in love with someone, and then she wouldn't have to leave.

She had known going in to it that it was a stupid thing to do. It was him and he didn't do things like that. But she couldn't resist. She wanted him, she needed him and already then did she love him. And she had been right, it was a stupid thing to do. After some pretty prefect weeks everything went south. And in the end they agreed it would be best for them both to break things of. And it probably was, but it still hurt like crazy. For her. He on the other hand hadn't even waited one day before he started picking up random girls again. Proving to her more and more everyday just how little she had actually meant to him. That she was just another name on some list. She had never been that mushy romantic type, never really believing what strong love could do. The idea that you could feel someone's presents in a room long before you either saw or heard them had never been something she thought was possible before it happened to her. And in the end it proved to be helpful. She could make an excuse and leave the bar before the others notice him, making it less susceptive that she was leaving when he arrived. Making it look a little less like she was avoiding him, him and his stories. The butterflies on the other hand she, them she hated. She hated that sensation in her stomach. She hated that she couldn't even look at her best friend, former best friend, without feeling all this weird and overwhelming feelings. She had tried to ignore it, the love, the pain, everything. But no matter how hard she tried nothing worked. And with every new random girl she felt a little worse. She hated what loving him did to her. She hated loving him. But no matter how hard she tried she didn't hate him.

It was weird thinking about everything that had happened since she met this weird yet wonderful group of people. She had gotten a family she really loved, and that loved her for her. She had been in the longest relationship ever, and she had loved Ted just not as much as she loved him. She had shared so much of herself. She had grown up. Leaving them all seemed like the most insane thing ever. It was leaving a big part of herself, a part she would never get back.

One more night, she curled herself up in the couch looking out in empty space, just thinking. About Ted and his search for the one, she really hoped he would find her and that everything would turn out the way he dreamt. About Lily and Marshall, she was going to miss having that kind of perfect and optimistic relationship around her. They had been the only thing that sometimes made her believe that maybe it was possible And a very tiny part of her wanted that. That kind of love. That kind of life. That kind of prefect. About Barney…, just his name made her heart sting painfully. She was probably going to miss him the most, and not only because she loved him more that she had ever loved anybody. No there had always been something about him. Something that made her want to hang out with him even after all the stories, all the girls, all the lies, all the disgusting things he did and said. There still was something about Barney. He was fun, he could always come up with something new and interesting to try out. He was a really caring person. He would never admit it of curse, and if you didn't know him you wouldn't see it. But she knew it was there, she had both seen it and experienced it. One some levels he was like a little boy, and not only in the way that he was extremely immature at times. No it was his constant fear that they all were going to grow up and leave him behind, the lingering fear that everybody would abandon him. She sighed. Barney would always be Barney. The complicated yet simple man she just couldn't help but love. But he would never change, there would always be some new random girl. She closed her eyes, why did she have to go and fall in love with someone she knew was going to hurt her in the end? Why did she have to fall in love with her best friend?

It was a long night, she just couldn't fall asleep. She tried everything she could think of, but nothing worked. She ended up checking that everything was ready. That she hadn't forgotten anything. She went through the whole apartment, when morning came she was exhausted, but ready. She had made sure the movers would come early so that everything was on its way and long gone before her friends would even think of going to the bar. She also her passport easily accessible. Everything was ready

The last thing she did before she left the place she had come to feel the most home in ever was leaving the letter in the middle of the table. The movers had come and left, now all her stuff was on its way to one of her oldest closest friend who had promised she would take care of everything. She stopped in the doorway, taking everything in one last time. Then after looking the door she put her key in an envelope and the envelope in the mailbox. That way she was sure Ted would find it.

She took a cab to the airport, planning on buying a ticket to the first plain out of the state, it didn't matter if she ended up in a big city or a small isolated island. Nothing mattered as long as she got away, hopefully she would leave most of her pain behind.

**I'm considering continuing this if anyone is interested. It will then probably become a Barney/Robin fic.**


	2. Chapter 2

Running away form love

It was quiet, abnormally quiet. He was alone, he sat alone on his bed. He had willingly gone home alone. No random girl tonight. He was too tired, too tired to pretend. The old Barney would think he was crazy, the old Barney wouldn't have to pretend. The old Barney would want all those random girls. He on the other hand, if he was completely honest with himself, had to admit that he really only wanted one girl. It was something the old Barney wouldn't approve of, but he loved her. He tried to pretend that he didn't, he had spent most of the days since the breakup pretending. Pretending everything was okay, pretending he was fine, pretend he wasn't missing her, and most importantly pretending he didn't love her. But he did, he missed her and loved her more than he ever thought he could miss or love somebody. And he wasn't fine, and everything was most definitively not okay. But he had to pretend, he had to lie to himself and to everybody else. When he didn't pretend unfamiliar emotions surface, emotions all connected to her. He didn't like it, he didn't like new unfamiliar emotions, so he pretended.

He had known going in to the relationship that it would probably end badly, he had known before going in to the relationship that it would probably end badly. He had known the moment he fell for her that it wouldn't be a good idea. But in the end the emotions won over the logic. And in the beginning everything was fine. It was going good. She was different. She was everything he never thought he wanted. That didn't change, but he realized exactly how much power she had over him. How much she could hurt him in the end. She was the first person he had loved in a very long time. She was the only person he could picture a future with. So he slowly started pushing her away. From the outside it looked like the split only happened after they realized what they were doing to each other. But he had a feeling, nagging feeling that they probably never would have gotten to that point if he hadn't started shutting her out. Slowly closing more and more of him off.

He loved her too much, it was just too dangerous.

Maybe it had been a mistake?

He might look normal on the outside, but on the inside he was a mess. He didn't know how long he could keep on pretending. He had an image to uphold, and all those mushy feelings didn't work for him. He had never been one for love, or romance. He still wasn't one for romance, not really. But the love thing, that had kind off snuck up on him. For a long time he had manage to live completely normal, or mostly at least if you looked away for the TVs. And he was sure that with time he would go back to his normal self, right? The question became, did he really want that? He had always thought you had to change almost everything about yourself in a relationship. That he would have to stop being his normal awesome self. But other that the sleeping around he mostly stayed the same. Just happier, for a little while. That part had been a little disturbing.

Random girls… random girls had been a part of his life for oh so long. Random girls was what he stood for. Lie to girl to get them to sleep with him that was his specialty. It had been ever since he swore of love. And now… well random girls were still a part of his life. Someone might react if it wasn't. But he wasn't that happy at it anymore. The excitement he used to feel when he tested out a new story, a new line, a new way to get the girl of the night, it was all gone. Now it was more something he had to do, something to prove that he was okay. Something to prove that love hadn't changed him at all. He had suited up and gotten some girl the night they broke up just to prove he was back. That nothing could stop him. That he would always be Barney.

And with everything, with being so busy keeping up his image, he didn't notice, didn't notice that she was never around. He had stopped allowing himself to think about her, to notice her. So he didn't notice. He missed her, every time he stopped to be himself he missed her. And it wasn't only because he loved her, but because she was she. She was the coolest girl he knew. Ever since she had become a part of their group she was the one he felt most connected to, and in all honesty she was his best friend. She might roll her eyes and tell him he was disgusting, which was something they all did from time till time, but they connected. The day they spent playing laser tag and smoking cigars, the day she actually had suited up (something he never got Ted to do), that was the day he knew, they would be good friends. That was long before he fell for her, before that she had just been some girl Ted was into. After that she slowly became his best friend. And he almost hadn't seen her since the breakup.

Maybe they had to talk? He really didn't want to. Taking was so overrated.

He wanted his best friend back.

He might even want her back… maybe.

But they ended because he had been running… the fact that he had been running for the relationship, form her as a lover, that didn't however mean he wanted to lose her. He never wanted to lose her. He just didn't want her to have to power to hurt him, to leave him.

His head was spinning. Too much thinking about love, thinking about her. Reflecting over what had been, what could have been, it didn't change anything. And thinking over love and other mushy thing for a long time kind of made him nauseas. Even if it was her, too much love wasn't good. He was going to bed, alone. Tomorrow was a new day, back to pretending. Because it easier. And he had to choose one or another.

He would get her back, as a friend for now, somehow he would get her back.

That was an acceptable compromise.

And hopefully the joy, the excitement would come back.

After all he was Barney… He was awesome, he was a womanizer, and he was proved of it.

Right?

.

**Okay, so this is what happens when write when you can't sleep. I'm not sure what I think of it. Do you still want me to continue?**


	3. Chapter 3

Running away

Gone? She was gone? She couldn't be gone… it simply was impossible… She couldn't just have left like that… right?

One letter… that was all they got? All he got? One letter. That was all she had left behind. Everything else was gone, she hadn't even forgotten on lonely sock. Everything was gone. She was gone.

She had left him… like everybody else. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn't be mad. Anger might have overpowered the pain, the overwhelming pain ha was feeling. Nobody had ever made him feel anything like it before.

She… there had always been something about her. Something different. And now… now she was gone. Gone?

He looked down at the letter in his hand. The letter he had read so many times he already knew it by heart. And he read it one more time.

"_Ted, Lily, Marshall and Barney_

_When I first sat down to write this letter my mind was blank, nothing seemed to fit. I had and still have a lot to say. But I know that no matter how much I write and no matter how long this letter becomes, it won't be enough. And you guys deserve so much more. _

_I consider you my family, and leaving you will be much harder that it was to leave my actual family. It was a difficult decision to make. And I have tried everything to avoid it. But staying it to painful right now…_

_I hope to someday come back. And I hope that you all still will be there then, I hope you won't be too mad. All tough I will completely understand if you were._

_Ted I sent all my things back home so it wouldn't be in the way and so you would have an extra room you can do whatever you want with. I hope you soon will find what you are looking for. You deserve to be happy. You opened my eyes to a lot of things, sometimes I wish you didn't but I know that deep down I will always be thankful. We both know that I wasn't it for you (and you weren't it for me), but I love you. You are one of my best friends. I will miss you._

_Lily and Marshall, I tried to write yours separately but it didn't work. I think you have the kind of relationship most people dream of and I hope everything goes well in the future too. I know you will always be there for each other and that actually makes me happy and confident that you can do anything. Remember to look after Ted and Barney they might not admit it but sometimes they need it, and sometimes the like it. I love you guys and I will miss you like crazy._

_Barney…Barney…Barney… There is so much to say but the words don't always seem to come. I can't wish you luck with all your girls or your next well thought out lye and scam. And I can't lie to you, not even on paper. You know me… maybe too well. I love you… That is never going to changes. I want you to know that. Few people know you like me. Few people have seen sides of you that I have. You look yourself away, you don't let anyone in. I don't know… maybe I do hope you will find someone to open up to. I at least wish that if you do you actually let her in. It is weird to think about… I love you Barney more than anything. And even if I'm willing to admit that it is you I'm running from I will miss you the most._

_I know I should have talked to you all about it before leaving but I just couldn't. Every other time I have left or talked about it I had a plan. Now I don't. Everything is different. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how long I will be gone. I just know I have to do this._

_I love you guys (it is so much easier to say it in writing). I will send you a letter or something to let you know I'm okay._

_Robin" _

She had left… gone off to some unknown place for god knows how long… and this was all she left him with. He wanted to scream or something. How could she not know that she was the only girl he would ever consider open up to? How could she ever think that there might be somebody else someday? It all seemed so wrong to him. He would never love somebody like he loved her that was one of the few thinks he was sure of.

The others had taken it fairly well he thought. Lily had said something about having a feeling that something like this would happen. Marshall had said that even if it was sad that she was gone it might be good for her to get a way for a while. Ted had been mostly quiet but right before Barney and the letter left he had said something about long sad nights and things might looking up. So all in all he was pretty sure that they wasn't mad, and neither one of them seem extremely surprised. To him it came as a shock. But they said it had been clues, he just had missed them.

He looked down at the letter again, at all the words in her handwriting. He couldn't just sit around here waiting for her to take contact. If he had hurt her as much as he got a feeling he had he needed to fix it. He also needed to make some thing clear to her. Like the fact that he wasn't good for her. Like the fact that she was better off without him. Like that fact that he loved her and even if they never got back together there would never be anybody else. The last he could promise her. He couldn't promise her the world. Relationships seared him. But he needed to make sure that she would be okay, and not just physically. He needed her to come back soon, and he needed to tell her.

Where do you start tracking down a girl who wasn't ever sure where she was going?


	4. Chapter 4

Back to the land of the living

When she left the apartment she was sure she would end up leaving the country, she was sure she sure she would end up somewhere on her list. Ever since she was a little girl she had had a list over places she wanted to go to, and as she got older the list got longer. But no. She had somehow ended up in Miami. To be honest she didn't really remember how she got there. She clearly remembered leaving and then it was like she woke up three days later in a hotel room in Miami with a view of the ocean. Her stuff was placed with the door and she was lying in bed starring straight up at the ceiling. It had been a weird feeling. She didn't feel like herself.

She had also thought that by leaving, by not having to see Barney and constant flow of girls, that some of the pain would slowly fade away. But it had only gotten stronger. She felt like she was slowly going crazy with emotions she didn't understand.

She had spent most of the day in bed, not wanting to do anything. Just feeling lost and sad. And at times empty. Then she made up her mind. She wouldn't accomplish anything lying in bed feeling sorry for herself. She wanted to go home, she missed her friends. So she would do what she came here for. Finding the old her, and figuring out how to be in the same room as him without letting the pain take over. She had tried to do it at home, but nothing seemed to work.

So goal one… back to the land of the living. Before going anywhere she would have to shower. While digging through her stuff for clothes and other things she might need she found her cell phone. She had completely forgotten about it. She had turned it off before leaving the apartment and packed it. She hadn't thought much of it. And while sitting there staring at the objects like it was something she had never seen before she realized something she hadn't thought about when she was getting ready to leave. She could keep in touch with her friends with her phone. How she hadn't thought about that she didn't understand. Slowly she turned her phone on, still looking slightly lost. The fact that she had forgotten about her phone had in no way affected her friends. She had one new text from Lily (and Marshall), two from Ted and one form Barney. Her heart instantly reacted to his name. After reading the text form Lily and Marshall (wishing her luck and telling to call soon) and Ted( one saying her room would be there for her if she needed it and hoping she would find what she was looking for too, and one telling her Barney had been acting strange since reading the letter. Ted was worried) and answering them (she was fine and would call soon) she slowly opened the text for Barney. Two sentence, straight forward.

-Where are you? I'm going to find you.

After looking at it for a while she answered.

-I'm somewhere warm. Why?

Then she dropped her phone at the bed and headed to the shower. Having contact with him wasn't her plan, but it made the pain momentarily go away. She missed him.


	5. Chapter 5

Stop running

She was everything too him. The realization had hit him hard, and totally unexpectedly. He knew he loved her and he had recently realized he would prefer not to spend the rest of his life without her. But still… he had no idea just how important she was for him before that moment. They had been texting, something they had done for the most of the last two days. The moment he had gotten her fist texted he started to relax and all the worrying he had done since he realized she was gone was slowly letting go. They had been texting about everything anywhere, he had been texting with her while at the bar with the others and he had no idea what they had been talking about all night. He knew however that she was still in the country, near the ocean and that she still wouldn't tell him exactly where she was. But he was getting closer, kept insisting that they needed to talk in person. Since she was about as found of serious conversation as he it was a slow process. He had been sitting on his couch when she yet again had denied telling him where she was when he suddenly panicked. What if he never got to see her again? What would he do if she was gone forever? It was so overwhelming he was shocked. What should he do?

He knew he could have her phone traced, he knew someone who knew someone, but he also knew that she wouldn't appreciate it. It was his last resort plan, something he would only do if everything else failed. It was no way he was living the rest of his life not knowing where she was, or never seeing her again. But he would give her more time, he wanted her to actually want to see him. Showing up uninvited might backfire.

He had been thinking a lot about how you tell someone you loved them. Of course he had done it before, but he had almost never meant it. The only thing he was completely sure of was that you don't do it through a phone. It was something he thought he better do in person. So he sent her a new texted hopping it would fasten thing up.

I have something I need to tell you… in person.

.-*-.-*-.-*-.-*-.-*-.-*-.-*-.

It had been odd, and the most comforting thing. She hadn't planned on keeping in touch with him, she had left to get over him. But texting with him made her happy, it somehow made her feel safe. And it also made her realized that it was only so long she could stay away, and the chances of her ever getting over him was just getting slimmer by the day. He wanted her to tell him where she was, or ever better come back home. He kept insisting they needed to talk. He hated situations that needed talking, he was just like her. Some conversations were better left undone. But he kept insisting… and to say she wasn't curios would be to lie. A part of her was even a little hopeful, but she tried to push that part down. It would help to get her hops up. It was Barney after all.

She was considering it… telling him where she was… letting him come find her. If everything went wrong she could always go somewhere else. It wasn't like Miami was her big dream. But it meant being ready for what he wanted to say to her no matter what.

She looked out over the ocean, it was beautiful, thinking. Maybe it would be for the best. Maybe she needed to hear what he so clearly wanted to tell her. It wasn't like her heart could get anymore broken than it already was…

She picked up her phone again, reading his texted again and nodded to herself. The she stated typing… one word.

-Miami


	6. Chapter 6

Together again

She had told him, she had actually given in and told him. He had hoped she would, he had been pretty sure he would get something out of her sooner or later… well the more time that had past the more nervous… and well maybe a little insecure… maybe… he had gotten. But now he had everything he needed, after getting to know which city she was in it had taken him a little longer to get hotel and room number form her. He had bought the first ticked he could get from New York to Miami, he didn't care if made him seem a little desperate. And anyway at this point he was probably more than a little desperate. He had realized a lot of things about himself lately, and one of them was that no matter what happened next he knew he wanted to be with her. He had no idea what he wanted for the rest of his life, and no idea what to really do next. Mushy and emotional, that was what he felt right now and he didn't really like it. He was on the plane, impatiently waiting for it to land in Miami. After he had bought his ticked he had taken to most important stuff, like his wallet and left. Not bothering packing. On the way to the airport he had called Ted and left a message on his answering machine telling him that he would have to leave the city for and unknown period of time, he didn't explain just hung up. He didn't know how long he would stay in Miami, he just knew he didn't want to leave without Robin, and that he wouldn't leave without really trying to convince her to come back with him. And how long that would take he really had no idea.

.-*-.-*-.-*-.-*-.

She was nervous, she had been nervous ever since she had told him where she was. He hadn't told her what he was going to do with the information, but she wasn't stupid and had her suspicions. And that made her really nervous… a part of her, the bigger part, wanted him to really show up at her door because she missed him… really missed him… and wanted to know where they stood and what would happen next. But the other part had become quite comfortable living in this bobble where all their communications went through texting… it was safe. She loved him, there was no doubt but she had no idea how he felt anymore. She thought she knew when she left… she was absolutely clear on the fact that he was really over her, but then all the texting had started. And he kept insisting that they needed to talk, that he had something he needed to tell her… face to face. So no she was confused, scared, nervous, kind of hopeful and extremely tired from all the emotions running through her.

.-*-.-*-.-*-.-*-.

Getting from the airport to her hotel had been the easy part. He had been very happy that he didn't need to stop in the lobby, and could just continue straight up to her room. But the things had gotten harder. It really should have, all he had to do was knock. He knew she was in there he could hear her moving restlessly around in there. But he froze…she was on the other side of that door… it was the closest he had been to her in what felt like forever. He had so much he wanted to say to her, so much he needed her to understand. But how could he do that when his mind was this blank?

Taking a deep breath he lifted his hand and knocked one time. She stopped moving… for a couple of seconds everything was quiet… then she started moving again and the sounds came closer. The door opened and there she was. If he thought his mind was blank form before… for a while he just stood there staring at her. Then he did the only thing he could think of, he wrapped his arms around her and hold her tightly. Like he was afraid she would disappear if he let go. She went willingly; she buried her face in the space connecting his neck to his shoulder. In that moment neither was thinking about what would come next. Truth be told neither did much thinking.

They would stay there in the doorway in till they realized they were in the doorway, and then they would move inside. They would go to bed, silently agreeing that even if it was the middle of the day they needed to sleep and would wait with the talking to the next day.

But in that moment neither was thinking about what would happen next or how the future would turn out.


End file.
